Letter To My Father

 

My appa

 

Dear Appa,

This is my first letter to you. Actually it is my first communication (of any kind) to you. You see I couldn’t do it any earlier than this. You passed away when I was forty three days old.

When I was growing up and didn’t see you around, I used to ask mom about your whereabouts. She showed me your picture and told that you have gone for work and will be back when I was in eleventh standard. I bought that and was fine with it. Till one day one of my cousins told me assertively that you are no more, and you will not come back. Not when I’m in eleventh and not even after that.

That day I was broken. Technically I lost you that day. Not on the day you actually left your physical form. Only after that day I started feeling disadvantaged in life. It became easy to hold you responsible for challenges and failures I had in my life.

Life went on OK without you primarily because of the strength and will power of mom. When I was around twenty years old, I had an insight about you and me. I had become miserable on the day I learned about your passing away which was many years after your actual passing away. If your passing was the real problem, I would have been miserable from day one. But that was not the case. I became miserable much later. Logically, then, you were not responsible for my misery. Then who was responsible? The cousin who broke the news to me? Not really. She was just a messenger. If not her someone else would have told me the same thing at some other point. Who was responsible for my misery? After eliminating all other possibilities, there was only one person remaining who could have been the cause. Me.

That day when I heard the truth, automatically and sub-consciously I had done a few things. I switched you off from my consciousness. I disconnected my being from you. I said (mean) things about you in my head. After that day I never thought about you or spoke about you to anyone. I killed you in my mind and consciousness that day. And THAT was the only reason for my misery. Hard to confront and accept but that is the truth. I don’t curse myself for it because a six year couldn’t do any better than that.

But as a twenty year old, I had a choice to make corrections. The most important changes I made were: 
1. Give up holding you responsible for things not working in my life. 
2. Consciously attempt to connect back with you.
3. Get in touch with my deepest emotions for you (anger and grief).

This made me feel a lot more better and got things back in my control. Validation that my analysis and corrective measures were working. I spoke to mom and others to learn as much as I could about you. I learned that you were very handsome, social, had lots of friends, jovial, fun loving, made others feel happy, enjoyed good food (read as scold mummy for every cooking mistake), used to get very angry once in a while, and intelligent (no wonder you worked for the premier intelligence agency of the country).

Reconnecting with you made me feel good. I clearly remember, on the day of my marriage, I was carrying a framed picture of yours in my hand when I walked into the ceremony hall and had tears in my eyes. At that time I thought the tears came because I was missing your physical presence on a very important occasion of my life. But now I think that on that day I tuned into your presence and love in a profound way and that overwhelmed me to tears. You were there.

After marriage, I started doing the monthly and yearly rituals for the departed and remembered you on those occasions.

Last month mom left her physical form to be with you in the other realm. Is it a coincidence that you chose 1st of January and she chose 2nd January for her departure?

Since her passing, I’m feeling more connected and close to her than ever before. I didn’t make the mistake I had made when I was six years old. I have spent more than 3 decades in close proximity to her so there is lots to remember and re-live. The challenge I have in your case is that I know only little about you and have not experienced you as much as I did mom. And that is why I’m writing to you. Let us get to know and experience each other more. Because I know it is possible. I have taken the first step. It’s your turn now.

Your loving son,
Arun

Originally published on Feb 5, 2017 on Medium.