Inspirations From My Mother

 

Chocodelight cake from Cakewalk Indiranagar

It is my mother’s birthday today and four weeks since she left her mortal coil. As I remember her on her birthday, I thought of reminding myself of her life and the things I most admire about her. The things which formed the core of who she was and which continue to inspire me and others even after her physical form has faded away.

Where does the journey begin ?

It begins from my birth. Forty three days after I was born, my father passed away due to a minor surgery which went wrong. It was unfortunate. It was not an age for him to die and it was not an age for my mother to be widowed with two small children. A ten year old and an infant.

The family was devastated. She cried and cried and cried.

Then she asked herself:

Now what?

She committed the rest of her life to bringing up her children well and making them something in life. Despite how much she didn’t want to live without her husband, she decided to live for her children. She chose not just to hang around, but to make a mark. She looked at life in its eyes.

Even though I never had the courage to ask my mother, I did wonder at times why did she not remarry. She was young, educated and beautiful. I know that it would have been difficult, if not impossible, given the very conservative family we belonged to. But that was not the reason. The reason was that she put her children and their happiness ahead of hers. The mother in her didn’t give way for the woman in her. She became both mother and father to me and my brother.

When I was in school, every time I had term exams, which was three times in a year, my mother used to take leave from office and be at home to support me. What a support she was. I used to find the exam portions overwhelming but not when my mother was by my side. Even scary subjects felt tamable when she was around. After all she had tamed the biggest of the challenges life presented. I used to do well in the exams but always came second in class. I tried my best but couldn’t come on top till one day in 9th standard I cried after coming second once more. That evening she took me out for a long walk, got me an ice cream and while I was eating it she said:

“Don’t get stressed out. You are doing your best and that is what is important. You have always made me happy and proud.”

How cool.

For the record, I topped not just my class but the whole school when I went to 10th standard. While I’m on the topic of school, there are few more things I recollect. In school, I used to look around and see many kids who got lots of pocket money, came in big cars, had flashy bags, jazzy pencil boxes and gave birthday parties in expensive hotels. I wondered why we(me and my mother) didn’t have so much money and felt bad. It took me time and maturity to realize that my mother, with her limited resources, had put me in the same school to which parents with loads of money were sending their kids.

What boldness.

Many a times, I would ask my mother to buy me something and she would respond with:

“Tell me why is it an absolute need?”

More often than not, I was not able to convince her why I needed it. At that time what I wanted equated to what I needed but that didn’t fly with her. In retrospect, I realize how important and peaceful it is to be governed by needs and not be driven by wants.

What a lesson.

During my school days she would get up early in the morning, prepare my breakfast, pack my lunch, get me ready and send me off to school. Then she would get ready and go to work. In the evening, she would come back from office and immediately prepare dinner. Then she would do the dishes and some days work on the files she got from office. On weekends she used to do the laundry and house keeping chores for the family. Since we couldn’t afford machines or servants, she did all the work.

What stamina.

She had an immaculate sense of dressing up and carrying it off. I still remember the crisp folds of her saree which stayed the same even when she came back from a long and hectic workday.

What impeccability.

Once during my college years, I returned home for vacation to find a new car parked in front of the house. My mother told me that she had decided to learn driving. Being fifty and not having any kind of prior driving experience didn’t deter her. Initially I and my brother used to mock her when she went for her driving class and wondered if she will ever go in the main traffic without an instructor by her side. She proved us wrong very soon and was driving on her own with confidence. Similarly she started learning yoga after fifty. Initially she couldn’t do any asanas (postures) properly. A couple of years later I woke up early in the morning to find her doing asanas which required utmost flexibility.

What determination and will power.

I owe my marriage to her. Let me explain why. Given how much reserved and shy I was, it was clear to me that I will not be able to impress any girl to talk to me for one hour let alone spend the rest of her life with me. It was my mother who spotted a potential alliance for me and spoke to the girl’s parents. There is an incident during this period which my MIL recounts. The first time she went to my home and heard my mother and sister-in-law conversing, she asked my mom:

“You said you have no daughter, then who is this?”

to which my mom said this is my daughter-in-law. My MIL tells me that she wanted her daughter to be married in a family like that where daughters-in-law are treated like daughters.

What a nature.

A few days after my marriage, one day my wife made sambar (a South Indian dish) for the first time. My mother tasted it and lavishly praised my wife for making it so well. She even called up a bunch of my wife’s relatives then and there to tell them how awesome the sambar was.

What an appreciation.

I’m a Software Engineer and Architect by profession and have worked with some of the big names in the industry. It has happened multiple times that a manager or senior colleague would say:

“Subu is a find” or “How can we clone Subu?”

Well it was my mother who sensed my potential years ago and wanted me to go to IIT. At that time, I didn’t want to. I wanted to opt for humanities and become a lawyer. Ironically I couldn’t argue my case with her and gave in. She made me join coaching classes and believed that I will make it to IIT. And I did. Not one but two degrees from IIT. I love my craft and it is my mother who dreamed this future for me and gave me a pathway to it.

Despite her humble beginnings, by the time she took retirement, she had built multiple assets and earned enough pension to exceed all her needs. Till her last moment on this plane she was financially independent.

What an independence.

I have observed her life for three decades and it is hard to condense what I have seen to a couple of pages. But I think I have covered the main points. One the 10th day of her passing, during a ritual, one of our close relatives remarked:

“She was a giver and gave with both hands to every one.”

I agree and will add that she was a taker as well. She endlessly took responsibility, decisions and actions.

Proud to be your son Ma and Happy Birthday!

PS. Wrote this on 30th January, 2017 while waiting for my delayed flight at the Delhi airport.

Originally appeared on January 31, 2017 on Medium.