Failure - The journey from fear to love

 

It has always amazed me that in all the years of schooling and college that one goes through, irrespective of the discipline, seldom if at all is the topic of failure taken as a subject of study. Schools start with alphabets and numerals and along the way to specialization, teach many useful subjects but teach nothing about failure and how to deal with it.

Why is it needed?

For two reasons:

1. Because failure is a constant companion for anyone who is up to something worthwhile. All through life.

I have long personal list of failures. To sample a few - failure to get top rank in school, failure to get into graduate school of my liking, failure to be as popular and liked as few others, failure to excel at co-curricular activities I was fond of, failure to get the attention of the one who effortlessly got my attention, failure to get the first job I wanted, failure to express my deepest feelings and thoughts, failure to influence someone when it mattered, failure to get the spiritual experiences I sought, failure to make my product a huge success in market, failure to make oodles of money, and on and on…

2. Not studying it systematically and objectively leads people to their own meanings and beliefs about failure which is not empowering in most cases. Some common ways of relating to failure are:

Failure is bad - Failure is not OK - Failure is an enemy - Failure is unwelcome.

I hate failure - I fear failure - I am a failure.

Failure is a wall blocking the way to success - Failure is an obstacle.

There are also other viewpoints like the ones below:

Failure is a stepping stone to success.

Keep trying till you succeed.

To give up is to fail.

These are not negative but not very useful either. What I mean by that is while such a viewpoint, doesn’t leave me dis-empowered, gives some motivation, but it does not necessarily give an opening for action which is inspiring.

Is there any other empowering and exciting way to look at failure? I have one.

Failure is a sealed and encrypted letter.

Opening the letter and deciphering it, if done correctly, points to the exact next steps of actions to take. The corollary is that failure has to be followed by some work but of a different type. Just repeating past actions hoping for success next time is not smart.

A framework is presented below to process the failure to arrive at the decrypted message which points to the next set of actions on the march towards success.

When faced with a failure, smile first and apply the framework shown below as follows:

Start from the center and work your way out by addressing the key concern in that layer. Move on to next layer for analysis only if the current one is satisfactorily addressed. If you get stuck in a layer then celebrate because you have nailed the message in the failure. This layer is the real problem and you need to work out actions to change the status in this layer so that it is not a concern anymore. With that you are one step closer to success.

Let us look at the different layers in more detail. And to make it more real, I will take a running example. My goal is to write a post which goes viral (for the right reasons). Even though I have been writing and publishing regularly, I have been failing consistently at this goal.

1. Desire

Deep inside do you really really want it? Many a times people work towards something when deep inside they are not even sure if they want it or just have a lukewarm desire. Proceeding further with outward action when the inner desire is not sorted out is a waste of time and energy. Don’t do it. Pick something which you really want or wait for the desire to manifest itself before you sign up.

My example: Do I desire authoring a post which goes viral? YES.

2. Belief

Do you really believe that you can succeed at it? This is a bit tricky because many people confuse beliefs with absolute truth. Simply put belief is what you are saying about something (in your mind). Beliefs can be questioned, countered and changed. You are holding on to the belief and not the other way round. Know your beliefs and set them up to be consistent with your desired goal. Doubts arise when the backing belief is weak. Weeds arise in loose soil. Never on a concrete floor. Outward actions not complimented by a matching belief is unproductive. 

My example: Do I believe my post can go viral? ABSOLUTELY. 100%

3. Clarity

Is the goal clearly and unambiguously defined to the extent that I can have a mental picture of it in all its details ? If this is not done then how will I know when I have accomplished my goal? Take time to nail this. Draw a picture of it in your head. Write in clear words on paper so that even a 7 year old gets it. Explain it to a 7 year old if you can find one. Needless to say again, no point in proceeding further if this step is not completely done.

My example: Is my goal clearly defined? YES. Viral post looks like 100,000 views, 1000 likes and 100 shares or more.

4. Skills

Do you have the skills to convert the goal into a set of actions and then work on those actions? This can be a time consuming step especially when a skill or action plan is found to be lacking. Skills have to be learned. Plan has to be prepared. The good thing here is that people are usually aware of the importance of this step and pay sufficient attention to it. And this is one area where repetition and practice makes a positive difference.

My example: Do I have a plan and skills to author a post ? YES. I select an idea for a post which is appealing, reflect on it, come up with my original thinking on it and write. My writing skills are decent. I know I can improve my punctuation and grammar skills and I will get to it one day. But I know that it is not a problem big enough to prevent a post from being viral.

5. Support

Do you have the necessary people and logistic support to accomplish the task? A lot of big undertakings need a team of people working together and also support structure for them to do their work. The right people and tools need to be in place. Not having this is like going to a battle with a few random people dressed in casuals and with no weapons and training. Walk in to get ambushed.

My example: Do I have people and tools I need ? YES. I have a mac to write my drafts and internet connection to upload. I have a couple of friends and family who help with reviewing of my drafts. That is all I need for this job.

6. Going all out

Did you give it everything you had? Can you say you have given your 100% to it? What did you hold back? Can you give that now? Often it is a mental barrier which one needs to be overcome than a physical one. And it is exactly that barrier that has to be transcended to claim 100%. The beautiful thing here is that people know exactly what is missing in their effort but still like to think that it will not matter. It is exactly the thing which will matter. Just DO it.

My example: Did I go all out? YES. On many occasions self-doubt creeps in just before I post something - What will people think of me....Will anybody be interested in this....I didn't get many likes and shares for the last one...Maybe that means I'm no good at this...Let me stop doing this.

I know that stopping means I didn't go all the way. I'm not 100%. I had something to say and I didn't say it fearing how other people will take it. So I go all the way. I stick my neck out and post it. When I choose courage over fear, I can claim 100%.

7. Coaching

This takes multiple forms. Asking a expert for help and acknowledging that you are not a know it all. Humility and deep commitment to personal growth is a prerequisite for this step to work. One reason coaching works is that another person can very easily see what we can't see about ourselves. These are blind spots which are not visible to us and hold us back. Seek help to distinguish them and then work on it.

My example: Did I get coaching? NO. Let me clarify. It is not that I didn't ask. I asked few people for help but didn't get useful feedback. There is certainly some blind-spot and expert advice I'm missing. I acknowledge I need guidance.

8. Give back

Life works on the give and take principle. Is attaining the goal only about getting something or does it have a give back element? This and the next step is based on spiritual principles. Life gives to those who give to others. So before wanting to succeed, ask and answer:

What will you give back to life when you succeed?

This need not be announced to the world but needs to be promised to oneself and fulfilled. Being willing to give opens the gates for grace to flow.

My example: What is my give back? I will inspire, share what I know works and help others in succeeding as bloggers.

9. Acceptance

This is the last step in the process. After having done everything you could, when nothing else remains, it is time to let go and trust in a greater intelligence and plan at play. Swami Vivekananda once said, nothing you do ever goes waste. It will come back to you at the right time in the right form. Having done everything you could, acceptance of what is is not an act of defeat but a recognition of the fact that we are but a tiny speck in this limitless cosmos where innumerable forces are constantly at play. Acceptance leads to peace.

My example: Right now there are things I can still try out (get coached) to achieve my goal but should it happen that despite trying out everything, I don't have a post which went viral what will I do? Accept it.

This brings me to the end of the lengthy discourse on the topic of failure. And to end the post here is a popular and inspiring quote from a legend:

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.

Michael Jordan

I think there is an important line in between there which is not written. Failure over and over again can not be a reason for succeeding. What is implied is:

I've failed over and over again in my life. I got the message from each failure and worked on it. And that is why I succeed.

Hope you find the framework useful in analyzing your failures and never again fear failure. Rather love them like an intimate letter from a beloved.

PS. Originally published on September 23, 2016 on LinkedIn.